panic attacks. when little insecurities become real issues.



i've never been one for consistency. or disciplined routines for that matter.

i know, not a very clever way to lead life but thats the way it always has been.


perhaps its these inconsistencies which lead to the way i am feeling right now.

trivial? maybe to you. it was to me. but not any more.


what if... something you've known your whole life. whole 20 years of your life. suddenly dissipates in the course of.... oh i don't know... 11 months? a year??

and not having the discipline to maintain what you've had for the perhaps 19 years before that, you just let it slide... attributing it to a change in environment, perhaps a little meat to the bones so to speak is not a bad thing.

but when one day... one random day in that 20 plus years of your life. you take a step and realize what you had is now in the past. and you're left with this new image. and in today's modern society, a negative image of yourself.

and as this hits you, there's a tidal wave of guilt as well as disbelief and betrayal by your own system which hits at the very same time...

and the next thing you know... you're shivering... the man you love is telling you to calm down while you experience sobbing like you've never had before...

ridiculous. you think to yourself. a little bit on the side isn't going to stop him from loving you. or more importantly change the person that you are today.


but yet... you know. your thoughts and your person will never be the same again. the self confidence that you had so confidently 3 weeks ago. now severely shaken. and why? through your own personal mental torment.


why am i writing this down? well...


its because i want to remember this day.

these thoughts in my head.

and perhaps... with the help of a certain very appreciated someone.

i will look back on this day. and feel proud that i did something to overcome this.


but more than anything.

its not everyday that A NEW INSECURITY IS BORN.

and god bless me but insecurities are the only children of mine whom i will only be too glad and too proud to personally murder.

and as dark as the last sentence is. i bet everyone out there feels the same way.