Not good enough

Assessments are 3 weeks away... Looking at the way practice asssessments went... It all boils down to my efforts have not been good enough...

Marking my own Practice Assessments were the most painful thing I've done so far in this course... I have never in my life tried so hard for something and completely miss the mark before...

Right now i'm hovering between the borderline of competent and not competent.

NOT EFFING GOOD ENOUGH.

3 weeks.

How do I turn this around?

Sigh...

Time is of the essence

has it really been that long since i last blogged??? wow... amazing... A summer has come and gone and I am now back in the UK doing the Bar Vocational Course... and it seems that life has turned itself on its head... so many things are different... yet some remain the same...

I still love Leo Chambers with all my heart... I miss my dogs and my family... I am still very protective over my friends and little cousin... and I still act like a child when i have an outlet and still lose my head when i'm stressed out (which i regret later)...

But yet... I have never worked so hard in a course in my entire life... I have never experienced a workload this intense... I have never been this consistent... Nor have I ever been so afraid to miss a class or fall behind... No longer am I satisfied with mediocre grades and no longer do I want to be the girl who's excellent at last minute work... No longer do i guard myself from hurt but give my heart to him and only him... Never have I felt like I had so much to lose if this does not work out... And never have I wanted to belong to a person more than I do to him now... Never, until today, have I truly understood the pressure of needing to find a job... and never have I been willing to compromise with what I believe I am capable of in order to survive... until now...

Is this growing up??? Is this maturity??? The steady progression of one's life???

I think I'm pretty lucky... And i don't know what I did to deserve it... Funny for a person who doesn't really believe in luck... Therefore, I'm going to try to earn it... Every single bit of luck that I have had or get in the future... I'm going to try my best to make sure I do indeed deserve all of it.

XoXo
Kirsty.

he's such a sweet talker *ahem* sweetheart :)

Leo says:
...
basically it comes down to this
am i willing to make a few sacrifices for you? yes
did i miss out of fun times with the boys etc. - a little yes
but does it bother me that much on reflection? no
i make my own choices hun - not often, but i do and if i didnt think you were worth it and that we were worth it then i would not ahve done what i did
so dont get all worked up about nothing k?

*****************************************************************

and so he makes it all better <3

hehe!!!

Goodbyes.

its bound to happen... it always does... in every relationship there is always a time that one has to say goodbye... always a time when one is left behind...

its happened to me... ssiiiggghh... more times than i know to count... so you'd think i'd be pretty good at that stuff by now... but nope... here i am... 2 and a half days in bored to tears and being what most might call a self suffering miserable bitch... uh huh... i know by now that i really just need to get out and do something... plan my day ahead... go out and do things etc... but really... its all the same... yeah i know i'll get through this in the end...

i'll probably book some hotels for my parents...
call my aunt...
arrange travel plans...
cook something stupid and eventually get over the fact that my boyfriend is at home too busy to answer my calls and not fussed about returning my msgs... (btw yes this is miserable bitch writing the last sentence - i'm a bitch so sue me)...
which is probably not true since i know that he loves me and will not not return my calls for no reason and so i think thats true at least thats what he tells me to be true but friggin hell just answer my texts for fuck's sake don't tell me you're too busy to do that!!! (sorry bitch seems to be my dominant side at the moment... i shall sign out now)

-Kirsty (oops i mean) Miserable bitch.

Its over??

right... so that was the degree... really???

lol!!! my sleep pattern is either brilliant as i was up at 10am or very fucked up since i've been sleeping from 2-7pm consistently for the past 2 weeks... ridiculous... thats what happens when you tend to study better at night... lets hope we all make it through to graduation... i'm gonna miss this year... i can feel it already... =S

now if you'll excuse me...

i'm going to try to wake a snoring leo up... ;)


XoXo
Kirsty

The Countdown Begins

Is there any hope for a true Malaysia?

you know... i always at one point or another thought that i would go back and live the better part of my life in malaysia... no matter where i have gone or been... recent events have forced me to reconsider the alternative. However, there will always be a part of me who cares for the Malaysia... and more importantly, the 'Malaysian Dream'.

The Malaysian Dream

Although not many may share my sentiments... This is what I believe we have been brought up to hope and to accomplish for the future Malaysia. The Malaysian Dream;

a Malaysia where government department forms will not ask you your 'Bangsa';

an educated Malaysia where all of our children are given equal opportunity for education, as well as a Malaysia with an education system which encourages learning, thinking and innovation; not knowing, memorizing, and reciting;

a Malaysia where religion is a matter between you and God and not you and the government;

a Malaysia where educated free speech and media is not seen as a threat but as a stage for development;

a Malaysia where you feel safe walking the streets at night, knowing that if you were ever in danger, the danger would not come from the forces that are meant to protect the people;

a Malaysia that is free to choose their own government, and not decide based on the mentality 'better them than the other guys', i.e. to actually have a real selection to choose from;

a Malaysia where people have faith in the justice system (a fair, efficient, and modern justice system);

i'm sure many of you can go on and on with this list but i shall stop right there...

This Malaysian Dream is not only a matter of paperwork, legislation and governments; it is a matter of mentality. It is a mentality of acceptance, progress and good will. It is the mentality of the people which will lead to a greater Malaysia, without which the progress of Malaysia will forever be stunted. It is my belief that at the rate that we are going, the Malaysian Dream will happen. Perhaps not in my generation, but perhaps my children's generation.
What I do hope for Malaysia, wherever I may be in the future, that I may see the beginnings of the Malaysian Dream in our generation. Some say our generation is still too much so set in the mindsets of our fathers, we must seek to change that, and with that, the Malaysian Dream will begin to realize on our watch.

I dream.

Kirsty.